truth

anyone that knows anything about me probably knows that I have always been, and will likely always be, pretty emotional.  i'm definitely a crier, a hugger, a laugher.  but it feels like, since the twins, I've been dulled.  I haven't cried, much or often, but I have felt like I needed to... i'm not sure why, or what it means, i'm thinking I may have officially been tapped out. 
the day the twins were born has stuck with me.  those feelings. 
I have always thought that women who get fixated on 'not having the birth they wanted' or who described their birth as 'traumatic" were... weird.  I mean, really, get over it.  you got the baby, he's fine.  let's move on.  i'm eating my words for sure.  I had no overt expectations of the babies birth.  I didn't plan on an unmedicated water birth, I didn't want a doula or a midwife.  I knew, going in, that I would end up on the cold C-section table.  ideal?  no, but whatev, you do what you've got to do. 
then may 18th happened... (happy birthday steph).
I think I could have come out of the birth itself just fine, I think.  it was definitely stressful, but it ended ok.  what I think  sent me straight over the edge was the after math with owen.  i don't even understand why!  he's fine...
but that day was so tough, my heart stretched until it felt like it had broken wide open.  i'm now writing this with a FAT happy owen sitting on my lap.  kissing his perfect head, and loving his chubby cheeks. 

but i'm still waiting to heal up.  its been four months (!) it's time.