growing up

i bet you think this is about mason... but nope, it's about me.  it is the kind of post i hate to read, but i definitely understand why they are written.
i feel like i am finally starting to grow up, into a mom.  mason is almost a year, and i am beginning to feel like a mom.  its happened so much more slowly that i thouhgt it would.  i mean the kid came out of me.  i was a mom a year ago... really i became a mom about 9 months before that.  that is true, to a point, but it was all superficial.  everything i did for mason until very recently was still kind of forced.  that sounds bad, not forced in a bad way, just something that i had to think about.  it didn't come as natuarally as i would have thought.  it was funny, because i loked at other moms of babies and thought that they have it all together... secretly a little jealous.  who knows maybe they do have it all together, or maybe they are just good fakers.  i like to think i'm a good faker, but i'll never know.  :)

anyway, so today i started feeling like i am becoming more of a mom, well, just more confident in my mom-ness.  confident enough to say that i don't have all the answers, i probably never will.  but i do make my decisions out of love, whether they are right or wrong.  i still lose my cool sometimes, but i'm getting better.  mason has definitely taught me to pray again, and has taught me that it really does help.  there are times that i could not get through without feeling like i have a god who cares about the mundane frustrations in my life.  a year ago i could not have imagined listening to screaming and whining for more than 2 minutes without needing to cool off, now, three hours, and it starts to get under my skin.  i know that there are times when what i do isn't going to make mason happy.  unfortunately for him, because i'm the mom, and because god made it that way are going to rule his life for awhile.

i definitely don't have the mom thing down, not even close... not even a teeny iny bit.  but i'm starting to realize that's ok... and probably good.  i suppose if i thought that i had the mom thing figured out i might get lazy.  that might be worse than the clueless state i am in most of the time.

mama's heart:

mason, thanks for letting me grow up with you buddy.  i can't promise that i will do everything right, in fact i can promise that i won't.  but i'll love you more than any other mom could.  and i promise to keep trying.  love, mama