lets try this again...

not that I have ever been the most faithful blogger, but I am going to try and get better... more for my memories sake than anything else!  I cant remember what I did an hour ago, let alone which of the kids did something ridiculous (which is likely all three).  so, this will probably turn into a blog of stories, which is a-ok with me!


we will start with adventures in potty training.  mas is totally potty trained now.  it was a much smoother process than I anticipated, which considering the amount of human excrement I cleaned up for about a week, shows my standards were ROCK BOTTTOM.  its safer that way, less opportunity for disappointment!  anyway, we are fully potty trained.  mason stands to pee like daddy, and until recently this was awesome, because he could basically lean against the toilet, let it all hang out and go.  hes the perfect height if you catch my drift.  but now.... mason has realized that his daddy holds and controls the direction of his *ahem* stream.  sounds like a little more control would be a good thing, but when you add in unsteady three year old hands, a wandering gaze, and a body that turns where ever the eyes go, and the result is smelly.  my bathroom is cleaned daily.  daily.  I have three kids 3 and under, but my bathroom gets SO covered in urine that it still entices me to clean it daily. 

truth

anyone that knows anything about me probably knows that I have always been, and will likely always be, pretty emotional.  i'm definitely a crier, a hugger, a laugher.  but it feels like, since the twins, I've been dulled.  I haven't cried, much or often, but I have felt like I needed to... i'm not sure why, or what it means, i'm thinking I may have officially been tapped out. 
the day the twins were born has stuck with me.  those feelings. 
I have always thought that women who get fixated on 'not having the birth they wanted' or who described their birth as 'traumatic" were... weird.  I mean, really, get over it.  you got the baby, he's fine.  let's move on.  i'm eating my words for sure.  I had no overt expectations of the babies birth.  I didn't plan on an unmedicated water birth, I didn't want a doula or a midwife.  I knew, going in, that I would end up on the cold C-section table.  ideal?  no, but whatev, you do what you've got to do. 
then may 18th happened... (happy birthday steph).
I think I could have come out of the birth itself just fine, I think.  it was definitely stressful, but it ended ok.  what I think  sent me straight over the edge was the after math with owen.  i don't even understand why!  he's fine...
but that day was so tough, my heart stretched until it felt like it had broken wide open.  i'm now writing this with a FAT happy owen sitting on my lap.  kissing his perfect head, and loving his chubby cheeks. 

but i'm still waiting to heal up.  its been four months (!) it's time. 

birth story {LONG}

this is LONG.  an mostly just for me.  pictures and the rest of the story will come, but here's the beginning.

forgive my typos

i need to get this down before it starts to fade...

i need to remember.

saturday started out remarkable.  steph's birthday breakfast, outside, briana, steph, cats, and bad service.  and i made steph buy my breakfast.  happy 30th birthday to you my friend. 

i left breakfast dragging my heels for my final saturday NST.  those last appointments were the hardest and longest of a long pregnancy.  i told matt that i had already completed about ten weeks of every.  single.  day.  NSTs.  i thought i should get the weekend off.  everything had been fine, everyone had been healthy, and i was sure we could make it two more days.  my doctor wasn't willing to cave, and so there i was, ready to go sit for an hour before starting my day.

the appointment started out pretty standard... my sweet nurse hooked up the monitors, i texted my dr. at 10:49 a.m., and laid back to watch a little tv.  about two minutes later, amy (the nurse) came back into the room and said she would like to monitor my contractions, that baby a's heart rate had dropped at the same time that baby b's heart rate had accelerated, and she wanted to see why.  she gave no indication that it was serious, and i wasn't even concerned at this point... until she stayed.  sweet nurse amy stayed by my side and held the monitor to my tummy, her eyes never left the screen.  at some point, she told me that she was going to call another nurse and have them start an IV in me.  i asked her then if i should be calling matt and she told me i should be calling anyone i want to have up here, it's probably going to be baby day...

you'd think then i would realize that she was serious, but i called matt and told him it was no big deal, dont come up, just keep your phone on you... amy, who had still not left my side, interrupted and said no, he should come now.  thats when i started getting nervous... i texted grandpa and told him i was on the monitor and that the nurse seemed nervous.  he texted back that maybe i should try not to be so intimidating.  but in real life, he was just getting to the qwest center for graduation, pulled up the strip, and quickly turned around and headed in... i'd find out later that he was doing about 90 the whole way to the hospital. 

cut back to my room, suddenly, it full.  full of people, people sticking me with needles, having me sign consent forms, putting oxygen on my face, calling doctors... i hear amy talking on the phone to the dr.  one was home, 25 minutes away, and the other was 5 minutes away, both coming in immediately.  baby a's heart rate was staying in the 60's, it was go time.  amy came back over and checked with me, i had started to lose control.  i remember telling her that i was probably going to cry, and she told me she would cry with me, and then they started to roll me back.

now, i had a c-section with mason... and i forgot almost all of it.  i forgot what the room looked like, what the iv felt like, the spinal, the bright bright lights, the smell.  i forgot it all.  i don't want to forget this time...  i didn't realize the first time what it all meant, what having a baby meant...

i get back into the surgery room, and i'm alone.  not really, there are 15 people milling around, and everyone was being so kind, but no one was there...  matt hadn't made it yet, and i was lying on the table alone.  they discussed briefly if they have time for a spinal or if i would have to be put under.  thankfully we had some time before the other dr. got there so i got the spinal.  i can't imagine having missed the whole experience.  after the spinal, dr. jill was done waiting.  my ob had not made it in, but they could not get a read on the boys, and she decided it was time.  right around then, grandpa walks in.

thank god.

i needed a face, he sat and held my hand the whole time, telling me what was going on. 

i felt tons of pressure, then, suddenly, i could breathe!  and i heard the sweetest cry.  a cry we had been waiting and praying for, the tiny cry of mr. eli.  my sweet sweet boy.  i remember my heart leaping into my throat, they brought him around so i could see.  he was perfection.  my heart still leaps into my throat when i write this.  just thinking about the moment when i first new he was out, safe.

seconds later we hear cry number two, baby owen, our little beefcake. 

shortly after the boys were out, matt rushed into the room, grandpa moved over and matt sat with me, rubbing my forehead while i cried.  relief, shock, awe, and LOVE washed over me.  we had done it.  the longest pregnancy ever was over.  the rest of the room pretty much faded away.  it was me, and matt, and two sweet boys. 

while the surgeons finished up, grandpa got some good pictures, matt got to get the boys and bring them to me.  i kissed their sweet heads, and talked to those bright eyes for the few minutes i was allowed.  i kept telling matt i had forgotten how much i would love them right away. 

i had... it had been two years.  i forgot how instant those feelings were.  i had forgotten how intense those feelings were, all i could feel was love.

this story is going to end here... there is much more that happened that day, and i promise to share, again more for me than for anyone else... but i want to leave this part alone.  let it end with love.

Mason-isms part 2

sunday: matts gets out of the shower.  and our sweet 2 year-old walks in, sees his nude father and excitedly announces "daddy you have a penis!"

daddy: "yes i do"

mason: "what's it say?"

daddy: "it doesn't say anything"

mason: "i have a penis"

daddy: "yes you do, what's yours say?"

mason:  "my penis says gobble gobble, like a turkey"

he then turns to me, sitting on the bed and giggling while i observe this...

mason: "momma, you have a penis?"

me: "no, mommas don't have a penis, we have vaginas"

mason: "you have a turkey in your bum?"

sigh.

Mason-isms

i figure i better write these down, before i lose my mind after the 20th.  :)

friday:  mason is playing outside in the backyard with maggie.  my favorite part of this house is the giant, fenced in, backyard that i can allow my little free-spirited monkey to run free in.  after about 10-15 minutes, my darling sweet son comes running to the back door, pride shining across his angelic face, holding his hand high.  what's in that hand?  a squirrel, a warm, albeit dead, squirrel.  'maggie chomp this squirrel'  commence panicking.  luckily papa and grandma were there to help in disposing of the body, and disinfecting little hands.  yeesh.

monday: if you're keeping track that's three days later.  mason is outside in our lovely fenced in backyard, again playing with his cousin, and beloved dog.  i am actually watching them play outside, and mas is running to and fro, swinging his blue bucket stopping occasionally to pick up some small treasures. 15-20 minutes goes by, and again, my sweet baby boy comes running across the deck, smiling broadly, carrying his bright blue bucket.  his bright blue bucket full of dog poop that he had been so sweetly collecting throughout the yard.  thanks buddy, i sigh, bringing him inside to wash hands, feet, and just to be safe, face, as best i can.

boy oh boy i love that boy.  but good grief, i'm going to have 3 of them

almost.

It's almost here. They're almost here. Now that it's close, it's really going to happen, the flood gates have opened. Every hope, dream, worry, concern, and anxiety that I have been pushing back, just in case, is coming forward. Two more babies. Two more loves, two more Ryders. How are we supposed to do this?  How am I supposed to love one more as much as I loved my first, let alone two at the same time?  How's my heart going to grow that fast, can it keep up?  Oh baby Angels, you have been loved since day one, by lots of people here and by an important One above. I can't wait to see you, smell you, touch you, know you're real, you're  safe, you're here. My arms are ready, my heart will figure it out.

updates

ok, quick update.  saw the babes today.  boy are they MOVERS!!

everyone is loking great so far!  good growth, good length!

milkin' cookies

i didn't come up with the name, but it's kind of funny.  :)

i am mainly posting this so i don't lose the recipe.  i could put it on pinterest, but really i lose things on there too.

so here's the recipe.  it's delish.  and healthy.

http://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2011/06/first-year-breastfeeding-mini-series-2.html

running out of room

we got to see t etwins (again) today.

one was very cooperative and let us see his handsome face.  it looks slightly familiar (mason?).

the other was busy crawling over his brother.  over his face to be exact.  poor guy.

this is the best shot baby b would give us.  T-R-O-U-B-L-E

 

falling more  and more in love with these guys every day...

every once and a while...

i start thinking:

i can handle this.

i can be a mom to three boys.

then mason does something like drink the hand sanitizer...

or dip towels in the toilet and then tries to clean the floor...

oy vey.

who am i kidding?

so, i haven't emptied my phone since october.   yeesh...

he loves the popcorn at the zoo.  who can blame him?

how he spends a good chunk of time at home

so, boo and i LOVE having boys.  but we do miss out on the cute tutus and bows... so we indulged.  the boys loved them.

mas caught a wicked bug and this is how he fell asleep

vala's 2012

halloween 2012

harry potter

 

this face saves his buns... A LOT

oh baby baby

hey-o!  just checking in to the three of you who probably check this thing out.  :)

everything is going fine over here, we got through the morning sickness stage (that was ROUGH, double the hormones double the fun i guess). and are now smotthly sailing through the second trimester.  still trying to wrap my head around two new babies.  TWO.  BABIES.  did i mention two BOY babies??  that's right, two more sweet baby boys... that will eventually turn into two twirling tornado toddlers.  yikes.  i need a drink already.

so, i have lots of ultrasound pictures, because we get LOTS of ultrasounds :)   but my computer is being werd and will not allow me to upload. 

i am now in process of getting everything together and as ready as possible for TWO babies.  seriously...  TWO.  two caseats?  check- thanks Haugs!  two cribs?  no check... a new rocker/glider?  no check.  pretty sure i shouldnt need much more than that ;)

i will update again when my computer lets me add a picture, until then:


TWO BABY BOYS. 


someone get the wine.

long time coming....

it's been a loooong time.  :)

i'm posting now, because i am (90%) sure that the only people who read this consistently are already aware that we are expecting, and probably aware that we are expecting twins. 

how exciting.

though we are definitely not keeping the fact that we are expecting two little bundles a secret, we are also choosing to not annouce it to the facebook/social media world for quite awhile.

the twins are indeed identical, and we have been told our two little lovies are sharing a very special bond.  baby a and baby b are sharing a placenta as well as an amniotic sac.  this kind of twinning is rare, only 1% of all identical twins share the same amniotic sac, 1 in 60,000 births.  sounds sweet, and so special! 

unfortunately, this kind of sharing, sweet though it may be, puts that babies in a bit of a precarious situation.  our doc described it as two puppies tied to a tether in a small pen.  as the puppies play and grow, obviously those tether are going to get twisted and intertwined.  for the twins, those tethers are their cords. 



common knots in monoamniotic twins, although scary looking, these cords kept two babies healthy and nourished!

obviously, those cords are the babies life lines, so the concern is that the cords become crushed and the babies are unable to get oxygen and nutrients.  entanglement is a given, we have to watch for compression.

so what this means is that we will watch the babies VERY closely.  lots of ultrasounds and doctors visits until we hit about 24-28 weeks.  at this time, the babies will be viable outside the womb, a very important accomplishment.  once the babes are considered viable, we will begin daily, yes every day, monitoring.  our options at this time will be for me to be admitted to the hospital for inpatient monitoring, or to go the hospital 7 days a week for a couple hours to check the babies.  luckily a babies decline is generally gradual, so by being diligent in watching their development we should be able to make a very well informed decision about when to deliver. 

the goal is 34 weeks.  we will be lucky to make it to 32 weeks.  if at any point after viability the risk of the babies staying in uetro is higher than the risks of a premature birth, they will be delivered.

our chances of bringing home two healthy babies are 80% as long as they are monitored VERY closely.  without this obscene amount of watchfulness or chances drop to 50%.

we will keep everyone posted with any changes, and are simply asking for your love, support, and prayers during this intense time.  we are truly excited for these babes, and feel confident that everything will be fine, but are trying to remain well informed and realistic about what the risks are and what the next couple of months will be like.

we love you all and thank you for your support!

post baby bod

man oh man.  the post baby bod. 

i have, for the most part, been able to ignore the post baby bod focus.  i haven't had a lot of extreme weight gain or loss, pretty much the same size i was before mason... which was almost 29 months ago including pregnancy.

nothing spectacular, but just fine and dandy..

thi weekend i had to poke my head out of the sand and face the post baby bod head on.  getting measured for my sister in laws bridesmaid dress.  yay.

now let's back this train up and talk.  not only do i get to be measured for this dress, but i get to do so after a 2.5 hour drive to des moines, with the only mother/daughter combo that is more dysfunctional about wight issues than my mom and myself.  double yay.

so, lets carry on.

we get there and i cannot talk about the first half of the appointment.  not because it was that painful, although it was, but because i am trying to remember that this is cyberspace, and it's out there forever.  but ask me in person.  its a good one.

looooooooooong story short:
i went in feeling ok about my post baby bod, i mean sure things dont hang quite as high as they used to, but come on, i made a person, and then fed a person for over a year.  cut me some slack.  overall, with spanx and a good support bra, the general idea is still the same. 

i left feeling a little less confident.

so today i had a doughnut.

that'll show them.

first date

so i went on my first date

my first MOMS group date

i was pretty excited, it was a zoo trip.  i thought a lot about it before hand.  trying to figure out what i would wear, and what i would bring the boys for lunch.  something casual, but flattering, and something healthy and thoughtful so i looked like a very attentive mom.

you may think i'm joking about this, but i'm not.  i thought a LOT about it.  i ended up going with some running clothes, its the only chance those poor things have of getting used right now.  and i think i just brought a lot of healthy snacks. 

the date was... ok.

maybe my expectations are too high.
i mean, she has got a lot to live up to in the friend department.

she was nice, sweet, my age.  she met her husband in junior high.

and married him at 19.

i have no problem with high school sweet hearts, i think it's cute... but when someone tells you that they met their husband in junior high, and then married them at 19, how do you break the news to them that you met your husband at 20... when he was a bouncer... at a bar you were too young to get into, so you used your cute 'personality' to weasel your way in? 

ummm, yeah, we just met through mutual friends, lets leave it at that.

overall it was nice, and good to have company at the zoo. 

hear's to hoping we have more to talk about on our next date...

100

apparently this is my 100th post. 

congrats

a little background info:  mason is VERY aware of where his penis is, and also VERY proud of it.  we are teaching the correct names for body parts, but when mason talks about his favorite, it always comes out 'peepis'

a couple nights ago he was in the bath, and we use the bath to work on learning body parts, so i ask him to wash his feet, wash his cheeks, wash his elbows, you get the idea.  well, as mason is washing his legs, he stops and turns his little face to me, eyebrows raised about  as high as they will go. i asked him what was the deal, and he quickly popped up, grabbed his favorite body part and shouted "GOT YOU PEEPIS!"

where it was trying to get away to is still a mystery.

in the running....

no, I'M not running, but i think i must be in the running for mom of the year.  what other title would you give to the woman who let her 1.5 year old out in the (fenced-in) backyard to play with the dog while she makes dinner.  sounds safe right? 

our dog is 70 pounds.  never had an issue with her.

the neighbors have three yorkies, as in our dog makes.... messes.... the size of their dogs. 

however

in the 15 (*cough* 45 *cough*) minutes that mason was outside playing, the neighbor yorkies wiggled under the fence (again) and came over to play.  this is a pretty common event. 

yesterday the biggest yorkie (the size of my husband's shoe) some how knocked my son over.  he fell, onto the deck, and caught himself... with his nose. 

baby's first bloody nose.  where's the baby book page for that one?

like i said, MOTY, mom of the year.

MOMS group

i joined a moms group.  i was VERY nervous, i didn't know what to expect, but i went.  and boy oh boy am i glad that i did.  apparently, i'm not alone, lots of kids poop on the floor.

the group opens up with talking a little bit about 'mom moments', those things that really only a mom can understand completely.  one girl talked about her life with 3(!) kids, and how she is CONSTANTLY yelling at someone, and someone is constantly crying at her.  and if there is a moment when someone is not crying, then she is probably crying herself. 

sounds sad to most people... it's kind of funny if you are a mom.  funny because it's sad.  and sad because it's true.

i didn't share a mom moment, it was my first day, i had to feel out how honest we were really going to be.  i had to figure out if these moms could handle the fact that my son constantly tries to pull off his diaper so he can play with his 'beeeeeg pepis", or that sometimes mason's voice gets annoying, and i put him in the stroller for a walk/jog so i have an appropriate excuse to put headphones in and drown him out for an hour.

it's still all good though, because even on our worst days, i'm still glad to be home and experiencing them with him.  he is such a sweet boy, but it will be a miracle if my house (and my sanity) survive his childhood.

this weekend mas and i were at hy-vee, and he L-O-V-E-S the carts that are shaped like cars.  so at the end of our shopping trip, when it was time to get out, there was a little, um, resistance.  resistance in the form of screaming, kicking and arching the back.  luckily, i am a champion fit-throwing-kid carrier and i simply hoisted his squirmy body, facing out, over my arm, and began the trek outside, ignoring the tantrum.  we had just made it out the door when i dropped my phone, and after bending down to pick it up i noticed a couple staring at me.  now in their defense, i can imagine what they were seeing.  i probably looked like some un-showered, crazed baby abuser.  but i just lost it a tiny bit.  i looke straight at them and said "what? would you like to take a two-year old home?"  As you can imagine, they promptly lowered their gaze and hurried on. 

i felt bad for all of 30 seconds, but i managed to get over it.  maybe they will think before staring next time.  or maybe i'll learn to control my toddler. 

niether of those sound likely, meh.

hmph

i need to get better about posting when i am enjoying the day... i am starting to annoy myself with this whining. 

however

today, parenting, staying at home, is hard. 

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

that was dickens, right?

i think he was talking about his 18 month old. in fact, i am sure of it.

best: super cuddly, learning actions to songs like the itsy botsy spider, learning his name, wants to be JUST like daddy

worst:  sticking his hands in his dirty diaper and then running to me (covered in poo) saying 'gross', eating everything.... including chalk and dog poop, shouting no, in appropriate context, running away... outside... into the street.

god grant me strength.

unsaid

there are a lot of things that are left unsaid before you have kids... no one really tells you how tired you will be, there is rarely complete honesty about the changes that happen to your body, and i am positive no one filled me in that i would truly become as crazy as my mother about vaccuming and mopping. 

but one of the most exciting/frustrating/overwhelming things about this mom gig (for me) has been this unquenchable desire to become better everyday.  it's out of control.  completely out of control.  i have been obsessing all day because i got frustrated at mason this morning (trying to get ot of the house to go to a baby shower and he thought it was the perfect time to strip his clothes off... AGAIN).  i shouted. nothing awful, but i raised my voice, and that happens infrequently enough that he looked at me like i had just told him i was going to kick his dog.  broke my heart.  thought about it all day  long. 

now, i know that he wo't remember it tomorrow, and that it will truly be fine, it was just once, yadda yadda.  bring it back to the desire to always be better.  i just never want to make that face appear again.

*sigh*

just love that little boy