anyone that knows anything about me probably knows that I have always been, and will likely always be, pretty emotional. i'm definitely a crier, a hugger, a laugher. but it feels like, since the twins, I've been dulled. I haven't cried, much or often, but I have felt like I needed to... i'm not sure why, or what it means, i'm thinking I may have officially been tapped out.
the day the twins were born has stuck with me. those feelings.
I have always thought that women who get fixated on 'not having the birth they wanted' or who described their birth as 'traumatic" were... weird. I mean, really, get over it. you got the baby, he's fine. let's move on. i'm eating my words for sure. I had no overt expectations of the babies birth. I didn't plan on an unmedicated water birth, I didn't want a doula or a midwife. I knew, going in, that I would end up on the cold C-section table. ideal? no, but whatev, you do what you've got to do.
then may 18th happened... (happy birthday steph).
I think I could have come out of the birth itself just fine, I think. it was definitely stressful, but it ended ok. what I think sent me straight over the edge was the after math with owen. i don't even understand why! he's fine...
but that day was so tough, my heart stretched until it felt like it had broken wide open. i'm now writing this with a FAT happy owen sitting on my lap. kissing his perfect head, and loving his chubby cheeks.
but i'm still waiting to heal up. its been four months (!) it's time.
