lets try this again...

not that I have ever been the most faithful blogger, but I am going to try and get better... more for my memories sake than anything else!  I cant remember what I did an hour ago, let alone which of the kids did something ridiculous (which is likely all three).  so, this will probably turn into a blog of stories, which is a-ok with me!


we will start with adventures in potty training.  mas is totally potty trained now.  it was a much smoother process than I anticipated, which considering the amount of human excrement I cleaned up for about a week, shows my standards were ROCK BOTTTOM.  its safer that way, less opportunity for disappointment!  anyway, we are fully potty trained.  mason stands to pee like daddy, and until recently this was awesome, because he could basically lean against the toilet, let it all hang out and go.  hes the perfect height if you catch my drift.  but now.... mason has realized that his daddy holds and controls the direction of his *ahem* stream.  sounds like a little more control would be a good thing, but when you add in unsteady three year old hands, a wandering gaze, and a body that turns where ever the eyes go, and the result is smelly.  my bathroom is cleaned daily.  daily.  I have three kids 3 and under, but my bathroom gets SO covered in urine that it still entices me to clean it daily. 

truth

anyone that knows anything about me probably knows that I have always been, and will likely always be, pretty emotional.  i'm definitely a crier, a hugger, a laugher.  but it feels like, since the twins, I've been dulled.  I haven't cried, much or often, but I have felt like I needed to... i'm not sure why, or what it means, i'm thinking I may have officially been tapped out. 
the day the twins were born has stuck with me.  those feelings. 
I have always thought that women who get fixated on 'not having the birth they wanted' or who described their birth as 'traumatic" were... weird.  I mean, really, get over it.  you got the baby, he's fine.  let's move on.  i'm eating my words for sure.  I had no overt expectations of the babies birth.  I didn't plan on an unmedicated water birth, I didn't want a doula or a midwife.  I knew, going in, that I would end up on the cold C-section table.  ideal?  no, but whatev, you do what you've got to do. 
then may 18th happened... (happy birthday steph).
I think I could have come out of the birth itself just fine, I think.  it was definitely stressful, but it ended ok.  what I think  sent me straight over the edge was the after math with owen.  i don't even understand why!  he's fine...
but that day was so tough, my heart stretched until it felt like it had broken wide open.  i'm now writing this with a FAT happy owen sitting on my lap.  kissing his perfect head, and loving his chubby cheeks. 

but i'm still waiting to heal up.  its been four months (!) it's time. 

birth story {LONG}

this is LONG.  an mostly just for me.  pictures and the rest of the story will come, but here's the beginning.

forgive my typos

i need to get this down before it starts to fade...

i need to remember.

saturday started out remarkable.  steph's birthday breakfast, outside, briana, steph, cats, and bad service.  and i made steph buy my breakfast.  happy 30th birthday to you my friend. 

i left breakfast dragging my heels for my final saturday NST.  those last appointments were the hardest and longest of a long pregnancy.  i told matt that i had already completed about ten weeks of every.  single.  day.  NSTs.  i thought i should get the weekend off.  everything had been fine, everyone had been healthy, and i was sure we could make it two more days.  my doctor wasn't willing to cave, and so there i was, ready to go sit for an hour before starting my day.

the appointment started out pretty standard... my sweet nurse hooked up the monitors, i texted my dr. at 10:49 a.m., and laid back to watch a little tv.  about two minutes later, amy (the nurse) came back into the room and said she would like to monitor my contractions, that baby a's heart rate had dropped at the same time that baby b's heart rate had accelerated, and she wanted to see why.  she gave no indication that it was serious, and i wasn't even concerned at this point... until she stayed.  sweet nurse amy stayed by my side and held the monitor to my tummy, her eyes never left the screen.  at some point, she told me that she was going to call another nurse and have them start an IV in me.  i asked her then if i should be calling matt and she told me i should be calling anyone i want to have up here, it's probably going to be baby day...

you'd think then i would realize that she was serious, but i called matt and told him it was no big deal, dont come up, just keep your phone on you... amy, who had still not left my side, interrupted and said no, he should come now.  thats when i started getting nervous... i texted grandpa and told him i was on the monitor and that the nurse seemed nervous.  he texted back that maybe i should try not to be so intimidating.  but in real life, he was just getting to the qwest center for graduation, pulled up the strip, and quickly turned around and headed in... i'd find out later that he was doing about 90 the whole way to the hospital. 

cut back to my room, suddenly, it full.  full of people, people sticking me with needles, having me sign consent forms, putting oxygen on my face, calling doctors... i hear amy talking on the phone to the dr.  one was home, 25 minutes away, and the other was 5 minutes away, both coming in immediately.  baby a's heart rate was staying in the 60's, it was go time.  amy came back over and checked with me, i had started to lose control.  i remember telling her that i was probably going to cry, and she told me she would cry with me, and then they started to roll me back.

now, i had a c-section with mason... and i forgot almost all of it.  i forgot what the room looked like, what the iv felt like, the spinal, the bright bright lights, the smell.  i forgot it all.  i don't want to forget this time...  i didn't realize the first time what it all meant, what having a baby meant...

i get back into the surgery room, and i'm alone.  not really, there are 15 people milling around, and everyone was being so kind, but no one was there...  matt hadn't made it yet, and i was lying on the table alone.  they discussed briefly if they have time for a spinal or if i would have to be put under.  thankfully we had some time before the other dr. got there so i got the spinal.  i can't imagine having missed the whole experience.  after the spinal, dr. jill was done waiting.  my ob had not made it in, but they could not get a read on the boys, and she decided it was time.  right around then, grandpa walks in.

thank god.

i needed a face, he sat and held my hand the whole time, telling me what was going on. 

i felt tons of pressure, then, suddenly, i could breathe!  and i heard the sweetest cry.  a cry we had been waiting and praying for, the tiny cry of mr. eli.  my sweet sweet boy.  i remember my heart leaping into my throat, they brought him around so i could see.  he was perfection.  my heart still leaps into my throat when i write this.  just thinking about the moment when i first new he was out, safe.

seconds later we hear cry number two, baby owen, our little beefcake. 

shortly after the boys were out, matt rushed into the room, grandpa moved over and matt sat with me, rubbing my forehead while i cried.  relief, shock, awe, and LOVE washed over me.  we had done it.  the longest pregnancy ever was over.  the rest of the room pretty much faded away.  it was me, and matt, and two sweet boys. 

while the surgeons finished up, grandpa got some good pictures, matt got to get the boys and bring them to me.  i kissed their sweet heads, and talked to those bright eyes for the few minutes i was allowed.  i kept telling matt i had forgotten how much i would love them right away. 

i had... it had been two years.  i forgot how instant those feelings were.  i had forgotten how intense those feelings were, all i could feel was love.

this story is going to end here... there is much more that happened that day, and i promise to share, again more for me than for anyone else... but i want to leave this part alone.  let it end with love.

Mason-isms part 2

sunday: matts gets out of the shower.  and our sweet 2 year-old walks in, sees his nude father and excitedly announces "daddy you have a penis!"

daddy: "yes i do"

mason: "what's it say?"

daddy: "it doesn't say anything"

mason: "i have a penis"

daddy: "yes you do, what's yours say?"

mason:  "my penis says gobble gobble, like a turkey"

he then turns to me, sitting on the bed and giggling while i observe this...

mason: "momma, you have a penis?"

me: "no, mommas don't have a penis, we have vaginas"

mason: "you have a turkey in your bum?"

sigh.

Mason-isms

i figure i better write these down, before i lose my mind after the 20th.  :)

friday:  mason is playing outside in the backyard with maggie.  my favorite part of this house is the giant, fenced in, backyard that i can allow my little free-spirited monkey to run free in.  after about 10-15 minutes, my darling sweet son comes running to the back door, pride shining across his angelic face, holding his hand high.  what's in that hand?  a squirrel, a warm, albeit dead, squirrel.  'maggie chomp this squirrel'  commence panicking.  luckily papa and grandma were there to help in disposing of the body, and disinfecting little hands.  yeesh.

monday: if you're keeping track that's three days later.  mason is outside in our lovely fenced in backyard, again playing with his cousin, and beloved dog.  i am actually watching them play outside, and mas is running to and fro, swinging his blue bucket stopping occasionally to pick up some small treasures. 15-20 minutes goes by, and again, my sweet baby boy comes running across the deck, smiling broadly, carrying his bright blue bucket.  his bright blue bucket full of dog poop that he had been so sweetly collecting throughout the yard.  thanks buddy, i sigh, bringing him inside to wash hands, feet, and just to be safe, face, as best i can.

boy oh boy i love that boy.  but good grief, i'm going to have 3 of them

almost.

It's almost here. They're almost here. Now that it's close, it's really going to happen, the flood gates have opened. Every hope, dream, worry, concern, and anxiety that I have been pushing back, just in case, is coming forward. Two more babies. Two more loves, two more Ryders. How are we supposed to do this?  How am I supposed to love one more as much as I loved my first, let alone two at the same time?  How's my heart going to grow that fast, can it keep up?  Oh baby Angels, you have been loved since day one, by lots of people here and by an important One above. I can't wait to see you, smell you, touch you, know you're real, you're  safe, you're here. My arms are ready, my heart will figure it out.

updates

ok, quick update.  saw the babes today.  boy are they MOVERS!!

everyone is loking great so far!  good growth, good length!